Kaitlin's Reply to Meadow - 6

Meadows letter to Kaitlin


Hi Meadow!!!

I am speechless. You are such a wonderful friend. I wish I could reach out and give you the biggest hug! One day I would love to be able to meet you, if you would want to be seen with a messed up woman with way too much baggage.

You say I am brave and blameless. That feels foreign when applied to me. I feel guilty for being the cause of Newt’s anger and like a coward for running. I took my kids and ran. But Meadow, I just couldn't do it anymore. I have been reading what you sent and trying to digest it. I just don't think of myself as a victim. That can't be me. And I made him angry - it's hard to believe he chose to do the things he did. Newt just wasn't a violent man before me. Does that make sense?

But I don't want to spend this whole letter talking about me and my past. I have been gone almost 18 months and my life has turned upside down in so many ways I never thought possible. In good ways. You are one of the good ways. And I think I mentioned Leroy once or ten times and of course baby Hailey.

Meadow you won't believe this - Leroy adopted an almost five-old little girl to keep her out of foster homes. Dakota is her name and she lives with me and my kids at my now too tiny apartment. But it's much better than what she was going through before. Leroy wanted her to be with me, but he would have kept her at his home if I said no, but there was no way I could have done that.

And that's not all. He proposed to me - as in asked me to marry him! He was so cute, down on his knees in front of me in my messy apartment. I was so shocked. I almost said no. I mean, I am still married. I couldn't marry him even if I wanted to. So I said, I would if I could. He took that as yes. I suppose it was sort of a yes. I couldn't tell him no after that - he was just so happy.

That makes no sense does it? That I might have said no. But I don't know if I deserve him. He knows about Newt and my past, yet he stays. But I am afraid. Afraid I will never be able to trust him. Afraid I can't give him what he needs from me. With your new volunteer work, maybe you can tell me how to deal with my fear and mistrust.

Let me tell you why I say that. A few weeks after he proposed and adopted Dakota, she had her 5th birthday party. Everything was so nice. Afterwards, I got all the kids to bed and came back to the kitchen. Meadow, he was doing the dishes. No man has ever done that for me before. It was touching.

But Leroy was having a really bad day. I questioned if he had a part in something bad that happened that had resulted in why his day was bad (it's a long story I will leave for another time).

He got really angry with me for even thinking he could have done what I suggested and began to raise his voice and swear. He doesn't swear much at all so I knew he was really angry.

I apologized and said I should have known better. But I was shaking and couldn't stop. I was afraid of him Meadow - afraid of Leroy.

He stopped yelling but I could tell he was still furious. He asked me to sit down and of course I did. I was afraid not to. Then he took my hand. I didn't want him to touch me and it was all I could do to not pull away, but I feared pulling away more than having him hold my hand. I mean, he was just holding my hand but I was still nervous.

My heart was beating way too fast. So I apologized again and he got even more angry. He told me to stop apologizing that everything bad is not my fault. I said I'm sorry for apologizing and he yelled again for me to just stop. I was crying and didn't know what to do.

Then he said he should leave and I panicked. I needed to make it okay before he left. So he said he would stay until I was okay and asked if he could hold me. That's how you make it better right? So I said okay.

I don't remember much after that except waking up the next morning alone and feeling empty. I guess I had a panic attack. Meadow, my sweet Leroy has never hurt me but I hurt him by doubting him.

I haven't spoken to him for three days. He texted. He didn't call me. He said he had stuff to take care of. I am so afraid he is planning to take his girls and leave. Then I thought maybe he would be better off to do exactly that - take Dakota and Hailey home with him and get out of my crazy life.

If he comes back, maybe you can help me learn to trust him. I feel like I still need to apologize - to make things right - to make him understand I am truly sorry for all that's happened but if he won't let me do that, I don't know what to do. I know he didn't sleep with me that night even though I don't remember because his side of the bed was still made up. He left after I feel asleep so things are not right with us yet.

I love him. I know I do. And, I don't mean I am just in love with Leroy, but I love him. Do you know the difference? I didn't before him. I think you fall in love before you truly love someone. Love is deeper than just being in love. But I think you need both.

Enough about my love life woes...Please - Tell me about your job and Jena! And how are Ira and Norman? Have they taken the next step in their relationship? I want to hear fun things from you. And I know Norman is a ready source of fun!

Thanks for being a friend when I needed it most! I hope someday I can do the same for you.

Kaitlin

Meadow's Reply to Kaitlin