Newt to Norman - 7

Norm's Letter to Newt

Norm…

Man - I am not sure how to reply to your letter. But then I guess I never expected to have to. Frankly I was shocked to get it - especially after what you shared about the scars on Ira's back.

I took your letter and showed it to my therapist hoping for some guidance. My therapist was shocked, but pleased that I admitted to you what I did and said that was a huge first step in my recovery.  But damn, all she did was ask,’How does that make you feel - do you want to write back?’ like she does every time I ask her a question. It pissed me off. I wanted her to tell me what to do. So I said that was what I was paying her for.

She just sat there with this questioning look on her face like she is still waiting for me to answer her. Then finally she said, “When you're ready Newt, but you should think about it. You are lucky you have a good friend in Norman that is willing to stand by you. If you really want to do this, then you are going to be glad he is around so try not to alienate him."


I just glared at her. Alienate you? Fuck I wanted to know how to not upset you and Ira anymore that I already have. Let you off the Newt hook. Finally she asked, "Do you want to stay here for the rest of the hour until you calm down?”

I don't know how she does that shit. She made me feel like a jackass so I apologized to her. Then she actually smiled a little bit. It's probably the first time I have ever seen her do that. I finally told her I guess I would write back but I didn't know what to say. At that she began to ask me more questions.


She said that I would need to stay in therapy for at least another year and maybe longer if I was really serious about getting better. Man, you said decades! God, I hope not. I told her if that allowed me to have a relationship with my kids when we find them, I would gladly do it. Then she frowned and said it's better for me right now that Kaitlin and kids haven't been a part of my life. If I wanted to really change I needed to focus on me. But isn't that what I've always done?

All I want to do is to tell Kaitlin I'm sorry for what I've put her and the kids through and beg her to forgive me, show her that I am trying. Let her know she never has to see me again and I won't chase after her. But I also want to have a relationship with my kids. They need to know that I love them and will never do anything that could hurt them again.

Norm, it’s been nearly two years since I have seen them. It's hard to admit but seeing life through your eyes has shown me what love can be, should be. And it fucking hurts because I don't think I will ever have that. I need to change and it's hard because I have no idea what that even means - well other than you know. Not being physical.

Then she said, “Newt, admitting that you were at fault is indeed a huge first step in your recovery, but changing your behavior doesn't happen just because you know what you are.  Alcoholics know they are addicted but continue to drink, same for drug addicts. Abuse is not so much different. You have to focus on changing your whole outlook. How you behave with people in your life. You have to be able to let someone else have some control in your relationships and when you feel overwhelmed by that you have to be able to redirect that need to overpower them - to put them in their place as it were. You need to be able to empathize with them and make compromises. You aren't are able to do that yet.”


Once again, she pissed me off. I think she was trying to provoke me. She knows my buttons. So like an asshole I screamed, “Yes I fucking can!” and really wanted to throw something. She just shook her head again. “Newt, calm down. Do you see what you are doing right now? This is not accepting that you aren't in control. Just because you want something doesn't mean you are entitled to it. We will work hard on this for the next several months. It's not going to be easy and you have to want it.”

And you know what I did? I fucking got up and stormed out of her office slamming the door behind me before I did something worse. How dare she she tell me I couldn't control myself. I just knew that she was wrong and I was never going back again, Hell, I know what I needed to do. Just stop the violence right? I didn't need to pay someone to tell me that.

When I got in the car I hit the steering wheel so hard it left a bruise on my palm. But on the way home I had time to think. I totally fucked up - again.


I sat in the garage, trying to figure out how my life got so screwed up and noticed that my face was wet. I was crying. How is that. Not because my hand was hurt but because I am alone - and afraid. I can't tell anyone else. So Norm, you are it.

Anyway, I sat there for a few minutes looking at the peaceful, perfect scene in front of me. Sitting in my BMW, looking at my pool, but all alone. No one to share it with.

Finally, I made myself get out of the car and went straight upstairs, grabbing a beer along the way. I just wanted to check my email and go to bed and maybe sleep for a very long time.

When I opened up my email, I saw your letter. I reread it intending to tell you not to bother with me.

But instead, I cried again. Damn, I haven’t cried since I was a kid and my cousin moved away and now three times in the past few weeks I have cried - hard - twice today. What the hell Norm?

So, Norm, I am going back. I even called to make sure she hadn't cancelled my appointments. She was still in the office and the receptionist put her on the phone. I have never spoken to her outside of her office before.

She said she was glad I called, that she was a little worried about me. She told me I could call her anytime I felt like I might be losing control of myself and needed to talk to someone. She gave me her cell number. Then she told me when I write to you, to be honest with my feelings. She reminded me I was going to need a friend over the next months as it will be difficult. She said she had faith in me - that I can change - because I want to.

I do want to change Norm. But it's hard to know what exactly it is I have to change. Self-regulation you called it. But isn't that just don't use your fist? I guess that's why I need her. And if it's any consolation to you, I haven't struck out at anyone since Kaitlin left me and honestly never want to do that again. Ever.

I was pretty damn depressed before I got your letter. I thought my life was over and wasn't really sure I even wanted to try. Everything seemed out of reach.

I am so sorry I have burdened you with my issues. But getting your reply gave me hope. You have been a good friend and have helped me more than you can ever know.

So I want to ask, will you be able to stomach letting me continue to write to you? You said yes before. I hope you meant it. I think I need to hear what a real relationship can be like. I guess I will live vicariously through you until my therapist gives me the okay to attempt another relationship. That was my first rule. No relationships until she says I am ready. And really, I'm not ready. It actually scares me a little. One night stands are out too. So I guess it will just be me, myself and my hand.

So Norm, please, tell me about your sappy love life and Ira's daughter. A puppet theater - I only paid for the toys my kids had and Kaitlin bought them. So obviously I need a good role model in the parenting department as well.

Funny how things work. I thought I was helping your nerdy ass find a hook-up while you were conveniently satisfying my therapist’s requirements to write about my anger issues and now you are the one helping my fucked up ass learn "self-regulation" before it's too damn late.

Thanks man and thank Ira for allowing you to not give up on me. It means a helluva lot. Maybe you won't be disgusted with me much longer or maybe you always will be - I guess it depends right - whether or not I can change. Regardless, I need to make it right for Kaitlin and our kids.

So, uh Tibetan singing bowls, resonance and light is waves - so sound to create light - you might be on to something but I'm reaching here!

Until next time if there is a next time.

Newt