Newt's Reply to Norman 6

Norman's Letter to Newt

Hi Norm…

I hope you and Ira are doing well. I'm really happy for you man. But I have to tell you, your last letter affected me in ways I never thought possible and on so many levels. It was life changing.



When I spoke to my therapist after reading it, she asked me how it made me feel. I have to be honest here man. It made me feel like shit. I need to explain why and I'm pretty sure you are going to stop being my friend afterwards. I like to think we have developed a friendship. I hope you think so too and will at least read to the end.

Before I get into what affected me so viscerally, I need to tell you some things I have realized about you.  Norm, you instinctively took care of Ira in ways that I never knew were possible and I hope one day I will be able to become half as kind, understanding and giving as you are and maybe have another chance at love.

I am glad I gave you the confidence to reach out to Ira and help her and at the same time very grateful you had the wisdom not to take all of my misguided advice. Ira needs you and so does her daughter. I am glad your relationship is progressing. That you found love, are happy and are making her happy too. And most importantly, helping her heal. Also, good luck with your new business venture. I hope it works out for you, but don't let it interfere with what Ira needs from you because she needs a lot and something tells me you are ready, willing and able to give it. You are truly a good person Norm.

Now for the really shitty part. Damn, this is going to be hard as hell. But you see Norm, I'm that guy. The one your Ira ran from. Not literally but figuratively. You must be sickened by that admission. And maybe you don't want to read further. I understand and don't blame you. If you want to hunt me down and beat the hell out of me, I don't blame you for that either. Maybe if someone would have done that a long time ago...but that's just an excuse and there is no excuse.

So why am I telling you this? I need you to know that you are the reason that I am finally admitting that I have a problem and trying to get better; the reason I finally told my therapist although I have a feeling she already knew. I cried like a damn baby when I told her and she just sat there and didn't say a fucking thing - like she always does until I stopped.

I am trying to get better, but hell, it isn't easy to face the fact that you physically hurt people that cared about you, maybe even loved you, just to make yourself feel better. It's damn depressing. My Mom even noticed my mood change. But what do you say to her. "Guess what Mom, your darling son that could do no wrong, well he used to hit his wife so she took your grandchildren and left."

I guess I do look like hell these days, but I just don't think I give a fuck anymore. My whole life was built around satisfying my own needs and now I need to make it right for someone else and I can't. My therapist says this is a normal part of the process but it sucks. She also said it would be good to write down my feelings and I am beginning to believe her, so if you are still reading this I want to tell you my story - not to give you excuses because there are none - but just to make it real I guess.

You already know Kaitlin and I had a forced marriage and it wasn't great. In the end it got hard for me and the more she tried to get me to be what I couldn't be or more likely just what I just didn't want to be, the more I felt like I needed to show her who was in charge. The physical abuse - fuck - just writing the words makes me sick, started with a slap two years before she left me. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were both shocked. She said she was sorry and I said I was too and we had sex to make it better. After that, it began to happen more often and got worse. Kaitlin always apologized for making me angry or doing whatever "set me off" and then we would have sex. She seemed to forgive me. That became our pattern. Kaitlin would keep trying to be better and that's not what I wanted - I don't think I knew what I wanted really - mostly just to control her - let her know who was in charge and that she was in this marriage on my terms. God that sounds sick as fuck.

Kaitlin was right to run, but I couldn't see that until now. She let me have sex with her and then left the next day. I was so pissed off that all I wanted was to get her back so I could show her she couldn't treat me like that. Obviously I no longer feel that way.

I have no illusions that Kaitlin will ever forgive me (or anyone else for that matter), but I have to show her I have changed. Apologize to her and hope she doesn't throw my ass in jail. Maybe if she sees I have changed, she won't. I'm trying - but as I said, it's so...fucking...hard. She isn't here for me to show and there is no one else to talk to except my damn therapist. I won't even have you after this letter. I am pathetic.


Fortunately the kids weren't a direct victim of my violence - well, except that last day before they left when I hit Reese. Shit, he was just trying to protect his mother and stepped between me and Kaitlin. She went nuts. That was her last straw and they left the next day.

So you asked if there was anything you could do for me? Just know you have done more for me than you could ever know. Thank you isn't enough but it's all I got dude. I am sorry you were the unlucky son-of-a-bitch that got me as a pen pal and now you have to live with the fact you were nice to someone who turned out to be a real asshole.

I was, however very fortunate. Seeing the world through your eyes made me realize how fucked up my life is and that I am responsible for all of it. I took something good and kind and may have destroyed it. Hearing what you said about Ira sent shivers down my spine. I felt like I was doused with a bucket of ice water. It made me think long and hard about Kaitlin. Like Ira, she no doubt has scars - not physical thank God - but her scars are likely just as deep. I can barely breathe when I think about what I put her through, what she must still be going through. I hope wherever she is, she has found her Norman and he will help her and our children heal.

Take care of Ira and give her the wonderful life you two deserve and try to forget you ever had anything to do with me.

Goodbye from your former friend.

Newt.