Leroy to Terrill - 1

Terrill's first letter to Leroy

Hi Terrill!

Man, was I surprised to get your letter but after reading it your timing is perfect! I apologize for taking so long to respond - my life has been a whirlwind of activity since I signed up for pen pals. I signed up right after my daughter was born hoping for someone to talk to about things and never thought about it again.

I am so sorry to hear about your wife. Now that I have someone in my life, I can't imagine how you survive that kind of loss. Gutted sounds about right. I am glad you have found someone new though. You're right, Betsy would kick your ass for moping around - still - I know it hurts but you don't do anyone any favors by checking out.

I think we have something in common. The women in our lives have “baggage” and as such trust issues. Kate, the mother of my daughter and the woman I love more than anything in this world has blackouts or flashbacks where she thinks I am her husband. Yes, she is still married, part of the baggage for sure and one of many secrets she kept from me for a long time. Like Debbie, she has been to hell and back.

You see Kate ran from her abusive husband and took their three children with her. Yes, more baggage. But I am using that term to mean her history. I love her kids. They didn't take to me as quickly as Nathaniel took to you. But I think we are there now.

I met Kate 18 months ago when she moved into one of my rentals then took a job working for me. From the first day I saw her I was attracted to her and when she began to work for me at my bar, we developed a great friendship with a lot of underlying sexual tension.

She was dating an ex-friend of mine so I didn't push her for more. But one night, after closing, we were testing a new drink and the sexual tension was overwhelming. I couldn't help but kiss her and things quickly progressed from there.

Afterwards she was really upset with herself. That was the only time we were together for a very long time. When she told me she was pregnant she lied about how far along she was so I thought the baby was her boyfriend's kid. There were lots of lies and secrets in the beginning.

But, now we are trying to make a life together. I just happened to be with her when she went into labor. I think Kate was as surprised as me that the baby was mine. You see, I am black and her boyfriend is white. There was no question that I was Hailey's father with her light caramel skin and my green eyes. She did get Kate's strawberry blonde hair.

I was overcome with emotion. To go from being a confirmed bachelor to a father in one day. It was more than I could take in. So now this beautiful kindhearted woman had 4 children, one of them mine. I knew I loved her that day and wanted to take care of her and her children. But I was worried how I could do this or if she would let me.

A lot has happened since Hailey was born. She's now 10 months old and has an adopted sister who just turned 5. I guess I'm a sucker for kids. But that's a long story.

Kate refuses to file for divorce until she can prove she can take care of her kids without any support. What that means to her is she has to own her own home instead of living in an apartment. And she refuses to let me help her financially.

In the meantime, Kate's past is catching up with her. I proposed to her a few months ago so she would know I am in this with her forever. She didn't say no exactly but she didn't say yes either. She was - is still - married for the last 18 years.

I think she associates being married with how it was before she ran and is transferring that to me. She has panic attacks a lot, acting like she's afraid of me. She even called me by her husband's name the other night during one of these episodes. I feel helpless and get frustrated that she doesn't trust me, you know.

I'm going to ask her to see a therapist. How do you think she'll react?  How do you convince Debbie you won't hurt her? I mean sometimes Kate seems fine. But little things just set her off and she seems to have no control over it. How do you deal with that? Seems like you have a couple of things to help you through the rough times, your music and your bench press! I don't have time for a hobby although working out might be good stress relief. My hobby is my new makeshift family and trying to make time for them between my Architect apprenticeship, my bar and rental property. I look forward to the day when I can say they are my family and live with them in a nice big house that I built for us all.

Thanks for listening. Hopefully we can share “baggage” stories and learn from each other how to effectively help the women we love learn to trust again. Sadly, its not the small stuff I'm sweating. Kate is big. And I want her in my life forever.

Your newest baggage buddy

Leroy