Kaitlin to Meadow 11

Meadow's letter to Kaitlin

Hi Meadow!

I was so nice to receive your letter. Sooo much has happened since we last spoke. If you hadn't written me already I was going to write you. So, I'm gong to dive right in.

You won't believe this, but remember your brother's pen pal? It turns out he IS my husband, soon to be ex-husband in a couple of months if things go as planned.


You see, Newt did see me at the courthouse. It was as much of a shock to him as it was to me.
He finally called me a couple of weeks later and asked to meet me at the diner to discuss how to move our lives forward. That's how we figured out about Norman.

I was so nervous when I went, but I did it without a panic attack. In fact Newt was very sweet, for most of it. When he started to get agitated I just got up to leave and he immediately apologized and begged me to stay. I fear we still push each other's buttons. I guess hold habits die hard.


Newt told me that Norman helped him begin the process of turning his life around. He said as Norman began to tell him about Ira, he realized that he had done the same thing to me and it was a hard truth for him to face. He said Norman stuck by him and that it helped him get through the rough parts. I want to kiss Norman! He is an angel for helping Newt.

Newt has been in therapy for the past 2 years and now has someone new in his life. Just like Leroy, she goes to therapy with him. He has seriously changed and apologized to me over and over.

Even so, most people would probably think we would hate each other with a passion and would have torn into each other with hateful words, but that’s not what happened. Instead, we both cried and laughed together. It was an emotional roller coaster.

All the different feelings that went through me during that one hour we were together surprised me. There was love, jealousy, sadness, fear and an overwhelming sense of loss at what should have been. Plus a deep seated desire for Newt to be okay and find happiness.

It was very evident in our meeting that I still have love in my heart for Newt. Not in the way that I love Leroy. Not romantically, but more like a sibling or maybe a close cousin. There is so much shared history between us it's hard not to care about him and he is the father of three of my children.

I do know that whatever twisted form of love Newt and I shared in the past was never healthy. Newt took and rarely gave. I was always trying to please him.

Leroy, on the other hand, is fun, caring, giving, resourceful, respectful and very passionate with not just me, but in everything he does. He just tends to use too much bubble wrap!! I think I will start using that as a key word to let him know to lighten up!

Oh my, you are becoming like my second therapist! You will soon be sending me paint and canvases! I can’t wait!

I laughed when you talked about Ira and Norman playing with the toys and Jena wanted them to come over to give her new ideas! That’s just so great. Norman has no idea what a jewel he is! Actually, both of you are amazing people. Jasper raised two very independent and caring people with lots of love to share.

You say I have a big heart. It’s nothing compared to the two of you! You took in Jena and a couple of roommates. You are going back to school with the sole purpose of helping others. That takes compassion. Then Norman, he took in Ira and Aari when he knew they were what some would consider ‘damaged’. He stuck by Newt when he could have turned his back on him. I don’t care now if you tell him about me, because if I could, I would give him the biggest hug and kiss ever for helping Newt become a better man.

I still need to tell you about Ben though. My beautiful, confused and hurting eleven-year-old.

With Newt’s return things went all kind of crazy. Newt stays with Reid while he is in town. Reid was released from prison because Leroy helped find evidence that cleared Reid, but at the same time Reid’s stepfather was arrested for starting the fire plus a lot of other crimes.

When we told Ben that Reid had been released, he was thrilled. Too thrilled. A week ago, he ran away from home and I’m sure you can guess where he went. Yes, to find Reid, his hero and friend. Ben slipped out after everyone went to bed and rode his bicycle in the pouring rain to the fire station looking for Reid.


When Reid went to get him and bring him home, the bridge was flooded so he had to keep Ben overnight with him. Newt was still there so Ben had an unplanned reunion with his father. Now, Ben has two heroes. I had no idea until the next morning when Newt called letting me know he was bringing Ben home.

When he arrived, Newt, Leroy and I tried to discuss terms of the divorce. It didn't go so well and Newt went back to Roaring Heights leaving a brokenhearted 11-year-old and a panic stricken wife.

Like I said, we push each other’s buttons. Newt is accustomed to me acquiescing and when I tried to fight back, he pushed harder and I couldn’t stop the darkness from taking me. He didn’t touch me at all, it was just the tone of his voice.

Leroy was in the other room taking care of Maddy because she was sick or it likely wouldn’t have escalated. Leroy said when he came back in the room, and saw what was going on, he sent Newt on his way. It took awhile for me to recover. But when I did, I took your advice and went to Ben and tried to talk to him.

It was no surprise that he wouldn’t talk. He told me to go away and when I tried to comfort him he pulled away. So instead I stayed and tried to explain as much as I could and assured him that he would be able to see his father. That’s when he told me that the he hated it here, the kids at school teased him and he wanted to live with his Dad.

Meadow, I don’t know how I missed that he had no friends. I feel like I have failed Ben and I don’t know how to fix it. All I knew was I really needed to hold him and let him feel how much I love him, that he wasn’t alone and everything would be okay. I made him turn around and look at me. When he did, I pulled him to me so I could hold him. He’s my baby. I needed to comfort him even if he didn’t want it.

At first he resisted but finally his resolve broke down and his arms went around me. We both hugged and cried together as I told him over and over that I loved him and it would be okay. He never said anything but he didn’t have to. I know he needs his father.

I think deep down Ben knows the truth of why we left, but he doesn’t want to admit it. It would destroy the new vision he has of Newt. And frankly, I just can’t do that to either of them, especially since Newt has changed. When Ben’s older and in a better place, Newt will need to tell him the truth.

I don’t know if just spending time with Newt will be enough for Ben to begin to heal. Seriously, what sort of therapy works for angsty pre-teens whose mother and father are a mess?

On a  lighter note, Reese has become such a handsome young man. He and Brooke are graduating next week! We had pictures made. They are adorable.

Then in two weeks they will be married and the following week the rest of us move into our new home! That’s when I will file for divorce. Hopefully Newt and I will have come to an agreement on custody by then.

It’s nice to at least see Reese so happy.

Since Brooke’s mother died when she was so young and her father never remarried, I have been helping her with her with her dress and the wedding arrangements. Brooke is simply gorgeous. I got so emotional helping her try on dresses.

I was surprised when Brooke asked my opinion on birth control and said she was nervous about their wedding night. She didn't say, but I think they have been abstaining. Brooke has truly become like a daughter to me and I couldn’t be happier that the two of them ended up together.

Reese has been saving his money. They decided not to use it for a honeymoon and instead use it to help with bills so Brooke won't need to work right away since the boys were so young. And speaking of boys, Jordan is the cutest and sweetest baby ever.

Leroy and I will be keeping them for them for a few days to give Reese and Brooke some much needed newlywed alone time when they get married.

Eek, I need to start paying you Meadow!  Writing all of this down makes it feel less overwhelming. Like maybe I do have a clear path for my future and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and for once it isn't a train!

I still see Shea, but maybe you are right, it is time to find someone else. She’s too close to our situation and I would prefer to have her as a friend instead of a therapist. Maybe when I get through the next couple of months, and my life settles down, I won’t even need a therapist anymore. Just your encouraging letters.

Here’s to hoping we both have lots of Sunday Fundays in our futures!

Your Friend Forever,

Kaitlin

P.S.  Send me your bill. I will gladly pay it!