Newt to Norman - 11

Previous letter from Norman to Newt

Hi Norm - friend?

Damn - you beat me to the punch or I should say Meadow beat me to the punch - well, really it was Kaitlin...because she told Meadow who then told you and I am a day late and a dollar short.

Dude, I was just getting ready to click send and I saw your letter. I quickly read it because I was curious to see if you knew yet. I really wanted to be the one to tell you. I honestly thought it was just what you said, Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, a coincidence, no more, no less, no big deal. Whoa!

To be honest, your letter was a downer. I never expected you to take the news so bad. I have always thought you might want to take a swing at me, but your never did, until now, when it felt like someone close to you was threatened. I am so sorry I made you feel that way and so happy Jasper talked you down.

So, Janet is my Jasper. Since I can't really borrow him, I'm eternally grateful for her. I read her your letter. I hope you don't mind.

She explained it to me so I could understand. She's good at that. So it seems that I have now hurt someone your sister cares for and you befriended the monster that did it which in turn hurts your sister and her friend. I guess I just didn't think it through.

That's actually huge part of my 'problem' according to - well everyone - if it feels right for me then I don't think how it will affect anyone else.

So, hell man, again, I'm really sorry. What I wanted to tell you was that I am hopefully on the way to ‘Normal Norman’ because Kaitlin and I, we are working through things.

Janet is really a big part of the reason. She grounds me somehow. Her presence makes me slow down so I can stop and think about everyone and everything and how they feel and what they need before I do anything. I don't know how she does it, maybe because I'm madly in love with her, I only want to do things that will make her happy.

I told you last month that I found Kaitlin. Well since then, Janet has helped me not go off half cocked, but to take things slow. It's hard when all I wanted to do was go and get my kids and bring them home, to hell with her and Leroy - that's her boyfriend. I hated him. How dare he raise my children. But Janet was right, as always. And I don't hate him. At all. Afraid of him? Hell yes!

Kaitlin's boyfriend actually found evidence that freed Reid, my half brother, from prison and exposed Reid's stepfather as a crooked cop. So I guess I owe Leroy one for being a stand up guy. According to Reid, he and Leroy used to be best friends back in high school. Maybe that's why he helped him. I don't know.

But that brings me to what has been happening that I wanted to tell you so bad. Janet convinced me that I needed to talk it out with Kaitlin, to let her know what I had been going through the last 2 years and try to work out terms of a divorce. As far as Kaitlin knew, I was still the same man she left. My therapist concurs. I need to reconcile with Kaitlin.


So I got up the nerve and called Kaitlin. She wasn't happy at first but finally agreed to meet me. I thought she was going to bring that gorilla of a boyfriend with her but she didn't. I was secretly very relieved. I don't think I could have taken him if it came down to a physical fight. He doesn't know I'm trying hard to be better and I'm sure he knows why Kaitlin left me.

We met at a diner so she would feel safe. I needed her to know how sorry I am for what I put her through, that I have been in therapy so I would never hurt her or the kids again or anyone else for that matter. I needed to tell her I wanted a divorce and to share custody of the kids.

When she walked in, she was more beautiful than I remembered and she had an air of confidence about her I had never seen before. How could I have mistreated her so badly? It made me sick and I wished I could turn back time to try again. The meeting, however, turned out to be much harder than I thought and fraught with emotion.

We cried and laughed together. I told her about Janet. And I apologized numerous times. Overall though, we had a good conversation and it was at least a start.

It wasn't all sunshine and roses though. I was telling her about the process of my 'metamorphosis' over the past two years and that's when I told her about you. She put two and two together right away. Well, let me tell you, it was a bomb exploding for me too. I immediately jumped to conclusions and assumed she was spying on me.

I started accusing her, and, yes I know, you don't have to say it. It was so easy to fall back into old ways. One sided conversations, my side. She wasn't having it and simply got up to leave. I pulled myself together and apologized and begged her to stay and tell me about how she knew Meadow. She did.

Kaitlin said Meadow helped her in very much the same way you are helping me. Yes, Norm, you have helped. So much. That's why when you said you wanted to cut both of us out of your lives, I almost got physically sick. Tell Guru Jasper I owe him a beer - well a lifetime supply.

When we finally ended the evening, Kaitlin took my heart and nearly destroyed it. She put her hands on my face and looked me in the eye with tears in her eyes and said, “I hope you have found what you need in Janet and the two of you are very happy.” She still cares for me even after everything.

After she left I sat there for a few minutes and finished my warm beer. I knew after that night that I needed to propose to Janet. I want her in my life forever. I want to cherish her and make sure she knows she is loved. So damn corny, but true. I got a second chance. People like me rarely get second chances.

But I still hadn't seen the kids. Kaitlin was keeping me at arm's length. I don't blame her but it's frustrating. I was going to call her before I went back and see if we could meet, but my 11-year-old son threw a wrench into that. Ben ran away from home straight to Reid. Ben seems to have been unhappy for the past two years and he Reid are tight.

Reid had to bring him to his house overnight so Ben and I had an unplanned reunion. He has grown so much. We hugged and we both cried. I couldn't help it.

Ben is a very lonely and frustrated young man. We had a long talk before he went to bed. He did ask if I hit his mother saying Reese had told him I did. I didn't confirm or deny it, but said we had a lot of disagreements and that it had nothing to do with him. I just couldn't say yes. Maybe that was wrong but he seemed so fragile and that could have sent him over the edge.

He crushed me when he asked if he could live with me. I had to say no, but that we would be seeing each other. He wasn't happy with that answer. But that made my decision easy, I have to have joint custody. With Janet by my side, we could make a good home for him and Maddy and fill it with love.

When I took Ben home the next morning, Kaitlin, Leroy and I attempted to have a discussion around custody and terms of the divorce.

While I was there, I got to see Maddy. I almost cried again. Norman she is the most beautiful child. She has these big brown eyes and long black hair. She was just a baby when Kaitlin left and now she is a sweet little girl. It hurt really bad to see that she had obviously bonded with Leroy while I was nothing more than a stranger to her that she shied away from.

The conversation didn't go well as I hoped. And of course, it took a turn for the worse when I said some things I shouldn't have when we were discussing custody. It upset Kaitlin really bad and she acted like she thought I might attack her. I told her I wouldn't, but she was afraid of me.

Norman, she has seven kids living in that two bedroom apartment! Three of them are babies. I sort of threatened to sue for custody of Ben and Maddy if she wouldn't agree to joint custody. I needed Janet there to be a buffer or even Leroy. He was in the other room tending to Maddy since she was sick.

Anyway, when Leroy came back in, he kicked me out when he saw how upset Kaitlin was. I knew I screwed up so I couldn't blame him. I said goodbye to Ben and went home. I called my attorney and  filed for divorce requesting joint custody. We had to at least get things moving.

The next day, I took Janet to the lake for a picnic lunch and proposed. She said yes and I placed the engagement ring I bought a few months ago on her finger.

When I held her in my arms, it occurred to me that I have never proposed to a woman before. Janet is the first and that makes it special. It was such a wonderful feeling. My heart was beating so hard I'm sure she could feel it. She is going to be my wife.

No, I didn't propose to Kaitlin. We were told we were going to get married. It was almost like an arranged marriage - arranged because she was pregnant. Maybe that's why Janet makes me happy in a way that Kaitlin and I never could have been. Janet is love. We are choosing to be together. I can't wait to talk to her, to see her and do things that make her happy.

I love Kaitlin too you know, but in a different way. I think she feels the same. We were never good for each other, even before...it got bad.

I still don't understand what Janet sees in me. I am so fucking broken. I know what I see in her. That's easy. So after she said yes, we stayed at the lake a little longer and watched the stars and I asked her - 'why me?' She told me there was a sad little boy trapped underneath all my bravado and she wanted to take away all the hurt so he could be happy again. She said he was the sweetest thing she had ever seen. She must be related to Jasper! - NO! I mean she's not really. Don't panic. It was a joke. She's from Ireland so she couldn't be. Right?

Reese graduated from high school so I sent him a gift. I called Kaitlin to let her know. Sadly, the divorce papers had been served - a week early. I felt terrible. I was going to give her a heads up. She was upset and said she wouldn't sign the papers like they were. It made me nervous. If she took me to court I wouldn't get anything but supervised visits - if I was lucky.

I was relieved when Kaitlin called the first of the week and asked if Janet and I would come down and discuss terms of the divorce with her and Leroy.

That gave me an idea. I had a lot of fun running Reid’s nightclub while he was in prison so I asked Janet how she felt about helping me run a similar business in Twinbrook. She said it sounded like an exciting venture. So my plan was born and we both hopped on a plane early the next morning to see Kaitlin and Leroy.

We met at Leroy's house which he had recently remodeled so that Reese and Brooke, his fiance, could live there once they were married. It was really well done. That made me feel really good about my plan.

Thank god Janet was there. She kept me and Kaitlin (mostly me) from devolving again. Somehow, we just push each other's buttons.

Kaitlin agreed to joint custody with Ben, but not for Maddy. I can't really blame her, so I readily allowed her to retain custody for one year and we would work out visitation for her later.

Then, I announced my plan. Leroy has a dive bar that he runs along with various investment properties and a design company which has been ramping up. I offered to buy the bar from him and hire him to remodel it. Janet and I would relocate to Twinbrook to run it. Kaitlin looked relieved probably because the kids wouldn't be far.

Leroy agreed to sell and we shook on it. I did make him a good offer, but it gets me closer to my kids and my grandchildren that I have yet to meet. So it was well worth it. Win, win.

Reese and Brooke are getting married next week. Brooke is his youngest son's mother. We have had a few conversations since his graduation. Mostly he warned me if I laid a hand on Ben what would happen to me. Sort of like what you wanted to do in your last letter. Anyway, I assured him I wouldn't, of course anyone can say anything. But he did thank me for the new guitar.

I told him Janet and I would like to come to the wedding. He didn't say no just asked if I thought it was a good idea. Janet said we should wait until the ceremony begins so we don't cause any tension. I missed my son's graduation, I don't want to miss his wedding day. So we are going. We have to go there anyway to sign the divorce papers and to complete the real estate transaction - and find a new home.

I think I feel like you must have when you were working on moving your company away from the windmills. A lot excited, a little stressed but looking forward to the future regardless of the outcome because you had someone you wanted to share it with.

Take care of Ira and Aari. They went through a lot to find their place with you. They need you more than you will ever know. Ira may seem strong, but I think a lot of it is because she feels safe with you and you have helped her heal, trust and love again.

Of course the therapy helps too, I know that for a fact. But having someone in your corner, that's means more than anyone can ever know. The Murdock family has definitely benefited from our respective friendships with the McCumber family, Guru Jasper included!

I know my journey isn't over, far from it. With your continued friendship, Janet's love and ongoing counseling, I feel like I can be the man I should have been all along.

Your not going to like hearing this part. Since Kaitlin is back in my life, I find that it's hard - harder than I ever thought - to make changes. I don't even realize what I'm doing when I am with Kailtin until it's over. It's like an old pair of jeans. It's comfortable - for me. And I think she expects a certain behavior from me and I readily deliver. Maybe Janet's right and there really is a sad little boy inside me and you are all helping him to heal.

One day I hope we will have the opportunity to have a beer together and make a toast to friends and healing.

Not-so-Normal Newt