Newt's Reply to Norman - 5

Normans Letter to Newt

Hey Norm!

Sorry it was a couple of weeks before I could write back. There has been a lot going on here. My cousin, who I haven't seen since we were 10, was in the hospital in critical condition. He is a fireman and had a bad accident putting out a house fire and I thought we were going to go see him and my aunt.

I walked in on an argument between my parents. My Mom’s sister called Dad and wanted him to go to Twinbrook (that's apparently where he lives now) but didn't ask my mother, her twin sister, to come too. I have no idea what the argument was really about. Mom was pretty angry. Evidently he's going to be okay so they didn't go. Something happened a long time ago between my mom and my aunt and they don't talk anymore.

Anyway, my therapist said she thinks these letters are helping so thanks man. I appreciate you hanging in there with me.

So I have to say when you started talking about different kinds of rubbers - I was lost. Well - hell - you know what I thought. I mean I usually just get the Trojan pleasure pack for variety. Yeah, I totally did until you threw in the unicorn shit. I thought you had invented some new kind of rubber.

So let's just move on….When you wrote about Ira, you said all you wanted to do is make her happy and you think about her all the time. Does she want to make you happy too? She seems to care based on what you said. I mean, Dude, she called you Babe. That is not a ‘I just want to be good friends’ endearment. It is a ‘I really like you and I want to be more than friends’ endearment.

Feelings. You said you weren't in touch with them, but Norm, I think you are. You are just in denial. Get what I'm saying. So, you might want to stock up. Try the pleasure pack man.

However, if she is expecting for you to make her happy without regard to your happiness, you need to quickly move on. I can tell you from experience - because I was that person - maybe still am. I don't know. I don't want to be.

My therapist says I have always taken what I thought would make me happy without so much as a second thought as to whether it also made the other person happy. Whether that was a ‘thing’ or a new girlfriend. I was paying attention to them so they were lucky. Right? I mean they all wanted to be with me. With. Me. Even Kaitlin. She should have been happy because she won the prize even though she got pregnant to do it. But I didn't want to be married and have a kid or three. But I stuck it out for 17 years. I tried right?

Actually now that I look back on it, I think Kaitlin tried to make me happy but it only pissed me off. I felt like she was patronizing me. I thought she should consider herself lucky to have me as a husband and she should take care of me and our kids. But she kept wanting things I couldn't give her - so I did things to make me feel in control again. Not nice things. Damn - I digress - but my therapist - she would be happy.

Maybe I will find them soon - my family - well they won't likely be my family anymore - at least Kaitlin won't. I know that. Maybe I can foster a relationship with my kids though. Maybe. I don't think I can move out of this limbo until I find them.

18 months. That's how long it's been Norm. Reese will graduate from high school this spring. He will be the same age I was when my life fell apart. I hope he finds his Ira.

So seriously Norm - sounds like someone's in love (not in lust according to my therapist) and has no idea. Kaitlin and I never loved each other or were even in love. We just lusted after each other. In lust - only wanting to have sex but if it came to talking or hanging out, it always was 'when are we gonna get to the sex part' which was hot, don't get me wrong but sex alone doesn't make for a good relationship. So man, tell her how you feel before it's too late. If it's not feelings, but thoughts in your head, then tell her your thoughts. Be honest. Don't screw it up like I did. I guess I have learned a lot from the therapist huh?

Let me know how it goes.

Later.

Newt

Kaitlin's Reply to Meadow - 6

Meadows letter to Kaitlin


Hi Meadow!!!

I am speechless. You are such a wonderful friend. I wish I could reach out and give you the biggest hug! One day I would love to be able to meet you, if you would want to be seen with a messed up woman with way too much baggage.

You say I am brave and blameless. That feels foreign when applied to me. I feel guilty for being the cause of Newt’s anger and like a coward for running. I took my kids and ran. But Meadow, I just couldn't do it anymore. I have been reading what you sent and trying to digest it. I just don't think of myself as a victim. That can't be me. And I made him angry - it's hard to believe he chose to do the things he did. Newt just wasn't a violent man before me. Does that make sense?

But I don't want to spend this whole letter talking about me and my past. I have been gone almost 18 months and my life has turned upside down in so many ways I never thought possible. In good ways. You are one of the good ways. And I think I mentioned Leroy once or ten times and of course baby Hailey.

Meadow you won't believe this - Leroy adopted an almost five-old little girl to keep her out of foster homes. Dakota is her name and she lives with me and my kids at my now too tiny apartment. But it's much better than what she was going through before. Leroy wanted her to be with me, but he would have kept her at his home if I said no, but there was no way I could have done that.

And that's not all. He proposed to me - as in asked me to marry him! He was so cute, down on his knees in front of me in my messy apartment. I was so shocked. I almost said no. I mean, I am still married. I couldn't marry him even if I wanted to. So I said, I would if I could. He took that as yes. I suppose it was sort of a yes. I couldn't tell him no after that - he was just so happy.

That makes no sense does it? That I might have said no. But I don't know if I deserve him. He knows about Newt and my past, yet he stays. But I am afraid. Afraid I will never be able to trust him. Afraid I can't give him what he needs from me. With your new volunteer work, maybe you can tell me how to deal with my fear and mistrust.

Let me tell you why I say that. A few weeks after he proposed and adopted Dakota, she had her 5th birthday party. Everything was so nice. Afterwards, I got all the kids to bed and came back to the kitchen. Meadow, he was doing the dishes. No man has ever done that for me before. It was touching.

But Leroy was having a really bad day. I questioned if he had a part in something bad that happened that had resulted in why his day was bad (it's a long story I will leave for another time).

He got really angry with me for even thinking he could have done what I suggested and began to raise his voice and swear. He doesn't swear much at all so I knew he was really angry.

I apologized and said I should have known better. But I was shaking and couldn't stop. I was afraid of him Meadow - afraid of Leroy.

He stopped yelling but I could tell he was still furious. He asked me to sit down and of course I did. I was afraid not to. Then he took my hand. I didn't want him to touch me and it was all I could do to not pull away, but I feared pulling away more than having him hold my hand. I mean, he was just holding my hand but I was still nervous.

My heart was beating way too fast. So I apologized again and he got even more angry. He told me to stop apologizing that everything bad is not my fault. I said I'm sorry for apologizing and he yelled again for me to just stop. I was crying and didn't know what to do.

Then he said he should leave and I panicked. I needed to make it okay before he left. So he said he would stay until I was okay and asked if he could hold me. That's how you make it better right? So I said okay.

I don't remember much after that except waking up the next morning alone and feeling empty. I guess I had a panic attack. Meadow, my sweet Leroy has never hurt me but I hurt him by doubting him.

I haven't spoken to him for three days. He texted. He didn't call me. He said he had stuff to take care of. I am so afraid he is planning to take his girls and leave. Then I thought maybe he would be better off to do exactly that - take Dakota and Hailey home with him and get out of my crazy life.

If he comes back, maybe you can help me learn to trust him. I feel like I still need to apologize - to make things right - to make him understand I am truly sorry for all that's happened but if he won't let me do that, I don't know what to do. I know he didn't sleep with me that night even though I don't remember because his side of the bed was still made up. He left after I feel asleep so things are not right with us yet.

I love him. I know I do. And, I don't mean I am just in love with Leroy, but I love him. Do you know the difference? I didn't before him. I think you fall in love before you truly love someone. Love is deeper than just being in love. But I think you need both.

Enough about my love life woes...Please - Tell me about your job and Jena! And how are Ira and Norman? Have they taken the next step in their relationship? I want to hear fun things from you. And I know Norman is a ready source of fun!

Thanks for being a friend when I needed it most! I hope someday I can do the same for you.

Kaitlin

Meadow's Reply to Kaitlin

Kaitlin's Reply to Meadow - 5

Meadows reply to Kaitlin

Hi Meadow,

I have a confession. I have been checking my email regularly anxiously awaiting your letter. I wanted to see if you had any additional tidbits that would confirm that Norman's Newt wasn't my Newt. I hope you don't think I am terrible!

Norman said he was nice. Meadow, everyone thinks he is nice. He is very charismatic. So you see, I just wanted that last shred of evidence to completely put my mind at ease. I guess I worry too much.

I really had to laugh that Norman had made "Windenburg's Most Eligible Bachelors" list and for the last five years! That's too funny especially if he's getting relationship advice. If Norman lived in Starlight Shores, he would likely have competition for that title once I am able to file for divorce and set Newt free.  

When I read about Jena's conception and birth, I was shocked. Thank goodness she was nurtured in the system. But don't sell yourself short, you have been the constant in her life the past few months, providing the unfailing love that she needed to thrive. You have only yourself to thank for that.  You are by far the sweetest and most giving person I have ever encountered. I am so happy to hear she has no lasting effects. Subways are awful for normal adults - I can only imagine a two-year-old getting totally overwhelmed by it!

It's sad you don't have your parents, but you are lucky to have your Uncle and your brother there to help you. You must look at your Uncle as a father. He seems so supportive and giving. And your brother, Norman. You speak so highly of him. He sounds amazing - nerd or not!

I hope he and Ira find their way to each other if that's what he wants, and it sounds like he does. He would be so very good for her - very much like Leroy is for me.

The parallels between me and Leroy and Ira and Norman are spooky. Well except Norm and Ira are going about their relationship in the right order. Friendship first and then love. Although, I adored Leroy before we, well, before Hailey was conceived. It was irresponsible, but I am glad we have her. Seeing him with her always makes me happy. Now I am smiling!

I hate to be a downer, but your last letter hit too close to home. I think, in light of what you told me about Ira's situation and your new volunteer work, I need to be completely honest with you about why I am in Twinbrook and hiding from my husband. You see, I can totally relate to Ira not telling you she was in a shelter. She was probably ashamed. It's likely a part of her life she would rather forget.

I eluded to the reason in my last letter. Because you are wise, you probably put two and two together and actually got four. But I feel I need to say it - or I guess write it. Meadow, my husband, Newt, he physically abused me and Reese too. But it was my fault - not like Ira or poor Jena's mom.

I read that poem that you referenced and cried, but I don't think I am at all like them. I don't see myself as a victim like that or even like Ira or many, many others. Our marriage wasn't bad for the entire time. The first few years together we were okay.

I was (am) married to an very handsome, charismatic and now wealthy man. He chose me, well because I was pregnant, but he made me that way. Newt really isn't mean or evil. He's just - I don't know - angry maybe. The kids and I were well taken care of. It was only in the last two years before I left that he began to get physical with me. He apologized profusely and we had make up sex. The sex made me feel wanted and loved. 

Reese walked in on an argument and tried to get between Newt and me so Newt punched Reese. It was a wake up call. I was done. I know Newt felt bad about it. But if I brought it up he got more upset. I should have left long before I did. If I had, he would never have attacked Reese. So that is all on me. Reese was the victim - of my selfishness. 

So Meadow, don't feel sorry for me. I caused all of this. Newt didn't want to be married to me. Every time he looked at me and our children, it reminded him of what he lost. He finally couldn't stand it anymore and snapped.

We just weren't enough for him. we couldn't fill the void left when he gave up his dream and married me. I tried Meadow. Honestly I did. When it was clear he didn't want me, I should have left. I can only hope he does love his children because they are innocents. 

You must think I am a horrible to have put my children through that. I have to say, I agree with you. I waited too long and they suffered.

Okay. Now I am totally depressed, but I had to say it (write it). Now you are one of only three people that know. You, the social worker at the shelter and Leroy.

Meadow, this letter was much harder to write than I ever imagined. Now that I said it, I can't take it back and that makes me sadder than you know. I don't want this thing to be a part of me anymore. It makes me feel damaged, and now I feel like I messed up our relationship somehow by telling you.

And worst of all, I want Newt to not be angry with me anymore. That seems so wrong, but it's how I feel. I don't want him to be unhappy. He suffered enough because of me. Sometimes I think if I just go back to Starlight Shores and beg his forgiveness, we can be friends and it will all be over. But I can't risk it.

It's a good thing I am not using a pen and paper. It would be all wet and smeared and you wouldn't be able to read it. So, I need to stop now. My kids don't need to see me crying.

Thanks for being my pen pal and thanks for listening (reading?)

Kaitlin

P.S. I promise if you continue to write, I will never bring up this awful subject again. We will talk about happier things.

Meadow's reply to Kaitlin