Newt to Norman - 7

Norm's Letter to Newt

Norm…

Man - I am not sure how to reply to your letter. But then I guess I never expected to have to. Frankly I was shocked to get it - especially after what you shared about the scars on Ira's back.

I took your letter and showed it to my therapist hoping for some guidance. My therapist was shocked, but pleased that I admitted to you what I did and said that was a huge first step in my recovery.  But damn, all she did was ask,’How does that make you feel - do you want to write back?’ like she does every time I ask her a question. It pissed me off. I wanted her to tell me what to do. So I said that was what I was paying her for.

She just sat there with this questioning look on her face like she is still waiting for me to answer her. Then finally she said, “When you're ready Newt, but you should think about it. You are lucky you have a good friend in Norman that is willing to stand by you. If you really want to do this, then you are going to be glad he is around so try not to alienate him."


I just glared at her. Alienate you? Fuck I wanted to know how to not upset you and Ira anymore that I already have. Let you off the Newt hook. Finally she asked, "Do you want to stay here for the rest of the hour until you calm down?”

I don't know how she does that shit. She made me feel like a jackass so I apologized to her. Then she actually smiled a little bit. It's probably the first time I have ever seen her do that. I finally told her I guess I would write back but I didn't know what to say. At that she began to ask me more questions.


She said that I would need to stay in therapy for at least another year and maybe longer if I was really serious about getting better. Man, you said decades! God, I hope not. I told her if that allowed me to have a relationship with my kids when we find them, I would gladly do it. Then she frowned and said it's better for me right now that Kaitlin and kids haven't been a part of my life. If I wanted to really change I needed to focus on me. But isn't that what I've always done?

All I want to do is to tell Kaitlin I'm sorry for what I've put her and the kids through and beg her to forgive me, show her that I am trying. Let her know she never has to see me again and I won't chase after her. But I also want to have a relationship with my kids. They need to know that I love them and will never do anything that could hurt them again.

Norm, it’s been nearly two years since I have seen them. It's hard to admit but seeing life through your eyes has shown me what love can be, should be. And it fucking hurts because I don't think I will ever have that. I need to change and it's hard because I have no idea what that even means - well other than you know. Not being physical.

Then she said, “Newt, admitting that you were at fault is indeed a huge first step in your recovery, but changing your behavior doesn't happen just because you know what you are.  Alcoholics know they are addicted but continue to drink, same for drug addicts. Abuse is not so much different. You have to focus on changing your whole outlook. How you behave with people in your life. You have to be able to let someone else have some control in your relationships and when you feel overwhelmed by that you have to be able to redirect that need to overpower them - to put them in their place as it were. You need to be able to empathize with them and make compromises. You aren't are able to do that yet.”


Once again, she pissed me off. I think she was trying to provoke me. She knows my buttons. So like an asshole I screamed, “Yes I fucking can!” and really wanted to throw something. She just shook her head again. “Newt, calm down. Do you see what you are doing right now? This is not accepting that you aren't in control. Just because you want something doesn't mean you are entitled to it. We will work hard on this for the next several months. It's not going to be easy and you have to want it.”

And you know what I did? I fucking got up and stormed out of her office slamming the door behind me before I did something worse. How dare she she tell me I couldn't control myself. I just knew that she was wrong and I was never going back again, Hell, I know what I needed to do. Just stop the violence right? I didn't need to pay someone to tell me that.

When I got in the car I hit the steering wheel so hard it left a bruise on my palm. But on the way home I had time to think. I totally fucked up - again.


I sat in the garage, trying to figure out how my life got so screwed up and noticed that my face was wet. I was crying. How is that. Not because my hand was hurt but because I am alone - and afraid. I can't tell anyone else. So Norm, you are it.

Anyway, I sat there for a few minutes looking at the peaceful, perfect scene in front of me. Sitting in my BMW, looking at my pool, but all alone. No one to share it with.

Finally, I made myself get out of the car and went straight upstairs, grabbing a beer along the way. I just wanted to check my email and go to bed and maybe sleep for a very long time.

When I opened up my email, I saw your letter. I reread it intending to tell you not to bother with me.

But instead, I cried again. Damn, I haven’t cried since I was a kid and my cousin moved away and now three times in the past few weeks I have cried - hard - twice today. What the hell Norm?

So, Norm, I am going back. I even called to make sure she hadn't cancelled my appointments. She was still in the office and the receptionist put her on the phone. I have never spoken to her outside of her office before.

She said she was glad I called, that she was a little worried about me. She told me I could call her anytime I felt like I might be losing control of myself and needed to talk to someone. She gave me her cell number. Then she told me when I write to you, to be honest with my feelings. She reminded me I was going to need a friend over the next months as it will be difficult. She said she had faith in me - that I can change - because I want to.

I do want to change Norm. But it's hard to know what exactly it is I have to change. Self-regulation you called it. But isn't that just don't use your fist? I guess that's why I need her. And if it's any consolation to you, I haven't struck out at anyone since Kaitlin left me and honestly never want to do that again. Ever.

I was pretty damn depressed before I got your letter. I thought my life was over and wasn't really sure I even wanted to try. Everything seemed out of reach.

I am so sorry I have burdened you with my issues. But getting your reply gave me hope. You have been a good friend and have helped me more than you can ever know.

So I want to ask, will you be able to stomach letting me continue to write to you? You said yes before. I hope you meant it. I think I need to hear what a real relationship can be like. I guess I will live vicariously through you until my therapist gives me the okay to attempt another relationship. That was my first rule. No relationships until she says I am ready. And really, I'm not ready. It actually scares me a little. One night stands are out too. So I guess it will just be me, myself and my hand.

So Norm, please, tell me about your sappy love life and Ira's daughter. A puppet theater - I only paid for the toys my kids had and Kaitlin bought them. So obviously I need a good role model in the parenting department as well.

Funny how things work. I thought I was helping your nerdy ass find a hook-up while you were conveniently satisfying my therapist’s requirements to write about my anger issues and now you are the one helping my fucked up ass learn "self-regulation" before it's too damn late.

Thanks man and thank Ira for allowing you to not give up on me. It means a helluva lot. Maybe you won't be disgusted with me much longer or maybe you always will be - I guess it depends right - whether or not I can change. Regardless, I need to make it right for Kaitlin and our kids.

So, uh Tibetan singing bowls, resonance and light is waves - so sound to create light - you might be on to something but I'm reaching here!

Until next time if there is a next time.

Newt 

Kaitlin to Meadow - 7

Meadows Letter to Kaitlin

My Dearest Meadow,

I just finished reading your letter. You are such a sweet unassuming, non judgmental person and even though we have never met in person, I love you to pieces. The two of us make quite a pair. We are such polar opposites! You are very analytical and I am an emotional mess. I think if we divided us up and gave half of ourselves to the other we would be two perfect people! Oh gosh not to say you are imperfect. I guess opposites do attract and balance each other out.

I got up early, it was still dark outside and the kids were still sleeping.  I needed some quiet time to think about your letter. There was so much there.

I made a pot of coffee, I will need it to get through this day for sure and sat down and thought about my support system.

Soooo, I'm just gonna jump into your analytics. I think support systems are for those not in hiding! That said, I did take a quick look at the grid mostly out of curiosity. Sadly, as I expected, I only have a few people that I could list as a possible part of any support system. You, Reese, Brooke and guess who...Leroy (he’s back). There are coworkers, but I really keep them at arm's length because they get too nosy and I am still trying to hide. However my cover may be blown soon anyway - Oooohhh. That's sounds so secret agentyish - I don't think that's a word but it at least made me laugh!

Anyway, I did my grid...and guess what - you and Leroy are really it and Leroy didn't come out as high as I thought he would. That upset me. I think it's me though, not him. I don't trust him like I should with some of my feelings. Don't you have to trust the people that are part of your support system? Honestly Meadow, I don't know why I can't let my guard down with him. I told him everything about Newt and that was crazy hard. And still, he stayed. So why is it so hard when it comes to emotions?

I couldn't include Reese. Reese, my wonderful son who I have put through so much by ripping him from his home. He struggled to become a parent to his younger siblings and had to grow up too fast. Without good parenting, he made life changing mistakes and now he really is a father to two very sweet boys.

Oh my! How could I have not told you? Brooke and Reese had their baby! Fortunately Brooke adores Reese. And the feeling is mutual. I know that Reese is resilient. He has adapted and overcome so much. I simply can't burden him with my issues. He has enough of his own now with two babies barely a year apart. Fortunately he hasn't witnessed my meltdowns and Meadow, they are coming more frequently and that has me worried.

I also excluded Reese's fiancé - yes he and Brooke are engaged. Brooke is a lovely girl and so sweet, but still in high school. She already does so much for me, mostly because Jordan, their baby, lives with us. They will both graduate in a few months and will no doubt get married. She is homeschooling and comes to the apartment and takes care of Sam, Hailey, Maddy and Jordan while I go to work and Reese goes to school. So, she does more than enough for me without burdening her further.

Then there is Leroy...my sweet teddy bear of a man. Would he do the things I need? I don't know. He gets really upset with me when I try to apologize for things that I did. So I don't think I can ask him to do more.

I make so many mistakes and I need to let him know I didn't purposely mean to make him upset or cause him problems and that I feel badly about it so he won't stay angry with me. I don't want to hurt him. He gives me so much and I don't have anything to give back except my problems.

And finally there is you. Meadow, you don't give yourself enough credit. You were simply looking for someone to share tips about raising a two-year-old and got caught up in my drama. And instead of politely dumping me you dove in head first, listening and trying to provide help and - yes - support even when I didn't ask for it. But when I did ask, you sent me information!  So much that I can't process it all, it's just so overwhelming and very intimidating and a whole lot of scary. (I am smiling. It's okay. It's more than anyone has ever done for me. I am truly touched.)

When you started talking about feelings everything gets all jumbled up in my head. You know I love my children and Leroy too. But I also have love in my heart for Newt. Not romantic love. Not like Leroy. More like a family member gone astray. But I could never be with him again. I broke him. I was with Newt for 17 years and he is the father of 3 of my children and I broke him and I still feel the need to fix him. But I don't think I can and that makes me sad.

Meadow, Leroy wouldn't understand that. He would beat the crap out of Newt if he ever met him. How could he understand that I don't hate Newt. I don't want to break Leroy too and when I do things that make him angry it terrifies me. This would make him angry. So my feelings are a mess.

Okay - so you already know my worst secrets so I am gonna lay another one on you. When Leroy came back he brought with him some information that floored me. He said that was why he was gone so long, they were researching Reid, the fireman I had dated before Leroy and I got together. He has been harassing me and we were trying to get him to stop.

So, this will surely blow your mind worse than my irrational meltdowns. Make sure you are sitting down. It turns out Reid Nielsen, the really hot firemen that looks almost exactly like Newt, well he is Newt’s half brother and Newt has no idea. Newt thinks they are cousins, which, oh by the way, they are that too! Kinda sorta explains the strong resemblance.

But the worst part of it is, I think Reid knows. He tricked Ben into telling him his father's name. Reid told me he knew Newt. So I am pretty sure he knows they are half brothers. So now there is someone here in Twinbrook that knows who I am and where I am. And he's threatening to tell Newt. That's why I said my cover might be blown.

So let me explain, both Reid and Newt have the same father, my father-in-law. Their mothers are freaking twin sisters! Talk about a soap opera. I have enclosed pictures. Leroy thinks that Newt’s mother accidentally found out so her sister took her son and left town. I didn't even know she had a sister. That's how bad it must have been. Sad thing is the boys were very close growing up - like brothers.

And yes, when I found out I went into a tailspin. Not because of the truth so much although it unnerved me, but because of what this is doing to Leroy. I told him I was sorry I dragged him into my mess and that he should probably take his girls and leave. That made him furious and when I tried to fix it, he just got up and left again. I was upset that he left but I could breathe again. I didn't want him to leave but was glad he did. It made no sense to me.


But he wasn't gone three days this time. He came back an hour later - because Reid showed up. Leroy was worried about what he might do. I was trying to get him to leave and Leroy practically threw him out. What a huge mess.

That's why I have to get a place of my own so I can divorce Newt, keep my babies - all 4 of them (Dakota included) and maybe be able to give Leroy an unconditional yes, if I don't mess things up first! Wish us luck. I think we may well need it.

So that was an awful lot about me. I am so sorry to hear what you went through with your mother's death. I can understand the guilt of living. But your brother sounds wonderful and he was there for you when you needed him. Your relationship with Norman makes me a little jealous! But it also makes me happy that I had more than one child. Well, way more than one! I often wished I would have had a brother or sister to confide in. I hope my children are as close as your family.

When I watch Ben and Dakota together, I think they will be. It will be nice to watch them as they get older. Because where you see Ben, there is Dakota. He has taken her under his wing as the protective big brother no doubt modeling his behavior after his own older brother.

And Hailey and Maddy will be close too. I am glad she has a sister to grow up with. It's nice. Ugh, I say that like nothing will stop our family from staying together and that Dakota is my daughter. She feels like it. I suppose if for some reason Leroy and I don't make it, Dakota and Hailey will still be a part of our lives. But the thought of it without Leroy makes it hard for me to breathe. Sorry - all about me again.

Ira was lucky to stumble into your family. I was lucky too. You are warm and welcoming. Norman will love Ira and her daughter well. I can just tell. None of us - me, Ira, her daughter or Jena - could ask for a better support system. Thanks Meadow!

Hopefully fun stuff next time!

Kaitlin 

Newt's Reply to Norman 6

Norman's Letter to Newt

Hi Norm…

I hope you and Ira are doing well. I'm really happy for you man. But I have to tell you, your last letter affected me in ways I never thought possible and on so many levels. It was life changing.



When I spoke to my therapist after reading it, she asked me how it made me feel. I have to be honest here man. It made me feel like shit. I need to explain why and I'm pretty sure you are going to stop being my friend afterwards. I like to think we have developed a friendship. I hope you think so too and will at least read to the end.

Before I get into what affected me so viscerally, I need to tell you some things I have realized about you.  Norm, you instinctively took care of Ira in ways that I never knew were possible and I hope one day I will be able to become half as kind, understanding and giving as you are and maybe have another chance at love.

I am glad I gave you the confidence to reach out to Ira and help her and at the same time very grateful you had the wisdom not to take all of my misguided advice. Ira needs you and so does her daughter. I am glad your relationship is progressing. That you found love, are happy and are making her happy too. And most importantly, helping her heal. Also, good luck with your new business venture. I hope it works out for you, but don't let it interfere with what Ira needs from you because she needs a lot and something tells me you are ready, willing and able to give it. You are truly a good person Norm.

Now for the really shitty part. Damn, this is going to be hard as hell. But you see Norm, I'm that guy. The one your Ira ran from. Not literally but figuratively. You must be sickened by that admission. And maybe you don't want to read further. I understand and don't blame you. If you want to hunt me down and beat the hell out of me, I don't blame you for that either. Maybe if someone would have done that a long time ago...but that's just an excuse and there is no excuse.

So why am I telling you this? I need you to know that you are the reason that I am finally admitting that I have a problem and trying to get better; the reason I finally told my therapist although I have a feeling she already knew. I cried like a damn baby when I told her and she just sat there and didn't say a fucking thing - like she always does until I stopped.

I am trying to get better, but hell, it isn't easy to face the fact that you physically hurt people that cared about you, maybe even loved you, just to make yourself feel better. It's damn depressing. My Mom even noticed my mood change. But what do you say to her. "Guess what Mom, your darling son that could do no wrong, well he used to hit his wife so she took your grandchildren and left."

I guess I do look like hell these days, but I just don't think I give a fuck anymore. My whole life was built around satisfying my own needs and now I need to make it right for someone else and I can't. My therapist says this is a normal part of the process but it sucks. She also said it would be good to write down my feelings and I am beginning to believe her, so if you are still reading this I want to tell you my story - not to give you excuses because there are none - but just to make it real I guess.

You already know Kaitlin and I had a forced marriage and it wasn't great. In the end it got hard for me and the more she tried to get me to be what I couldn't be or more likely just what I just didn't want to be, the more I felt like I needed to show her who was in charge. The physical abuse - fuck - just writing the words makes me sick, started with a slap two years before she left me. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were both shocked. She said she was sorry and I said I was too and we had sex to make it better. After that, it began to happen more often and got worse. Kaitlin always apologized for making me angry or doing whatever "set me off" and then we would have sex. She seemed to forgive me. That became our pattern. Kaitlin would keep trying to be better and that's not what I wanted - I don't think I knew what I wanted really - mostly just to control her - let her know who was in charge and that she was in this marriage on my terms. God that sounds sick as fuck.

Kaitlin was right to run, but I couldn't see that until now. She let me have sex with her and then left the next day. I was so pissed off that all I wanted was to get her back so I could show her she couldn't treat me like that. Obviously I no longer feel that way.

I have no illusions that Kaitlin will ever forgive me (or anyone else for that matter), but I have to show her I have changed. Apologize to her and hope she doesn't throw my ass in jail. Maybe if she sees I have changed, she won't. I'm trying - but as I said, it's so...fucking...hard. She isn't here for me to show and there is no one else to talk to except my damn therapist. I won't even have you after this letter. I am pathetic.


Fortunately the kids weren't a direct victim of my violence - well, except that last day before they left when I hit Reese. Shit, he was just trying to protect his mother and stepped between me and Kaitlin. She went nuts. That was her last straw and they left the next day.

So you asked if there was anything you could do for me? Just know you have done more for me than you could ever know. Thank you isn't enough but it's all I got dude. I am sorry you were the unlucky son-of-a-bitch that got me as a pen pal and now you have to live with the fact you were nice to someone who turned out to be a real asshole.

I was, however very fortunate. Seeing the world through your eyes made me realize how fucked up my life is and that I am responsible for all of it. I took something good and kind and may have destroyed it. Hearing what you said about Ira sent shivers down my spine. I felt like I was doused with a bucket of ice water. It made me think long and hard about Kaitlin. Like Ira, she no doubt has scars - not physical thank God - but her scars are likely just as deep. I can barely breathe when I think about what I put her through, what she must still be going through. I hope wherever she is, she has found her Norman and he will help her and our children heal.

Take care of Ira and give her the wonderful life you two deserve and try to forget you ever had anything to do with me.

Goodbye from your former friend.

Newt.