Kaitlin to Meadow 8

Meadow's Letter to Kaitlin 7

My Dearest Meadow!

You are so awesome.  Sadly, I am beginning to think I am actually going to need some of the phone numbers you provided. I think I am losing it. I told you last time I thought my spells were getting worse, well there is NO doubt they are getting worse.

Every time Leroy gets upset with me, I just can't deal with it and have little panic attacks. I think I even called him Newt the other day. Poor guy.

But this time he didn't leave, he stuck by me. It had to be difficult for him. So thank you so much for providing me with some resources.

When I get brave enough, I may reach out. I can see me being like the one lady you mentioned that would dial the number and not even talk. I mean, what do you even say?

You are going to study art!  That sounds amazing. Maybe when this drama is behind me, (please say it will be) I can focus on something I want to do instead of something I have to do. Not that I don't want to do what I have to do...but I would like to do something just for me. Oh gah!!!  I am a mess. I think you know what I mean though.

And talk about juicy gossip!  Your nanny and your roommate - in love. How very sweet. It's wonderful that Youssef and Mizuki Suzuki (did her mother hate her?) have found each other and that Jena loves them too. Watch out or you will soon have a houseful of people like me!

Seriously though, look what Jena has done for you. You went from living alone with a few friends to having a child and another couple sharing your home. You have discovered a new purpose for your life in helping others because of Jena and possibly Ira. You will be so good at it. You don't just talk. You back it up with actionable plans. That's good about being analytical...if that's even the right word. You have so much empathy - more than you know.

So along with the bad, we had a really awesome Halloween party! Ben and Dakota and even Maddy ganged up on me begging for a party. Well, so much was happening that I totally forgot about the holiday and there was no time for anything more than a family party but with a family the size of mine - well that's enough.

We all dressed up. Even the babies! Hailey was a little tiger and Sam was a Bear.

Maddy was a pink bunny. They were so cute. 

Brooke and Reese were cowboy and cowgirl. Those two are so much in love, you can tell just by the way they look at each other.

Dakota was a fairy princess much to Ben's dismay and he was a super hero. Those two are thick as thieves. I mentioned last time that I thought they might be getting close. He is so protective of her. She has given him a new purpose and as a result he has matured so much in the past few months since she has been with us. My little Ben is growing up.

Of course Leroy and I also dressed up. Leroy was a pirate complete with eye patch and me, I did a bad attempt at Elvira, black wig and all, but Leroy liked it!  Not so sure about Hailey. She was confused by my black hair.

After the 'party' was over, Leroy turned the lights down and we danced together, still in costume.

He was so romantic. Our relationship has been so tumultuous that we never really 'dated' like normal couples. But Meadow, that day gave me a glimpse of what our future together might be like and it looked so good. I hope it comes to pass sooner rather than later. I think that is why I panic so quickly. I am afraid I am going to do something to mess it up and make Leroy angry at me for not being better.

Meadow, there is one thing I do know. Whether or not Leroy and I make it, with your support, maybe at least I will for the kids. If I am not brave enough to call the numbers you gave me when I need to, I may very well call the one you gave me last. Yours. It would be so nice to hear your voice. Of course I would probably only cry. That seems to be my go to these days.

Let me know how your Art Classes go. I draw a lot for work, but it's just clothing designs, not really art. Art seems expressive so maybe it is good therapy.  Also, let me know the latest on Youssef and Mizuki! Are they going to get married or is that too soon?  And how is little Jena? Not so little anymore I bet!

Lots of love back to you,

Kaitlin

P.S. I put your number in my phone and here's mine 444-151-1515

Newt to Norm - 8

Norm's Letter to Newt 8

Hey Norm!

I'm baaaack! Bet you are shocked to get this from me. I keep thinking you probably want me to just quietly slither away but you said you stick. If you stick, fuck then so can I. All kidding aside, I was genuinely relieved to hear from you. My friend, my expectations of what you can do for me are so low that you could never disappoint. So no pressure to attempt to give advice or help. You are right - I have my therapist for that. But just to have you as a friend means a helluva lot. And that's enough.

When I read about what your Uncle said about the charnel grounds and life being messy, well I suspect I'm right in the middle of the messiest part. I can feel the vultures picking at my bones. I hope it gets better soon. My therapist says I am making progress. It's clumsy though. I don't know how to act and have no one to really lean on and guide me. Don't worry, I don't expect you to be the one that guides me, but maybe the leaning part a little. Sadly, I am feeling this shit hard. I guess that means I'm alive and today I think that's better than the alternative. Progress.

So, last letter I was pretty much at the bottom so thank you again for sticking. After all that shit I laid on you, you are either brave or stupid, but I prefer to think brave. Yes, brave. Just you doing that meant that maybe I am worth it.


The past month has actually been a gradual climb up with a few dark moments. I have been doing everything my therapist has asked, some of it has been hard. I only had to call her cell once since she gave me her number.  If she didn't want me to call her at midnight, she shouldn't have given me her number, but it was a fucking bad night. I am glad I called her though because she got me through it.

Guess what, the next morning, ping - their was your letter and it lifted me up even more. So much so that I decided to start making changes. I looked like hell because I didn't give a shit. But you stuck, so I decided to start with my appearance. Thanks.

This week, she was so impressed with my new look, she asked if I thought I was ready to go out.

I opened my mouth to answer her, but nothing came out. Finally I said, "I don't know." She told me to think about it. Frankly, I am and I’m not. I want to because I'm lonely and I need to have some fun - recovery sucks. On the other hand I am scared shitless. If I find someone I want to see again, I have to be prepared to eventually tell her about the 'not so nice' side of me that she will have to help me combat and hope she doesn't run. Of course it could be awhile before I am brave enough to get to that point. You took a fucking huge risk with your solar power, so maybe I can take one too. Okay, decided. Next time I write I will tell you about the misadventures of Newt and you can laugh your ass off at me for a change. See - you are helping just by telling me about your life.

You said you didn't do feelings because you didn't want to experience the pain you did when you were a kid and the osprey was decimated by the wind turbine. I can understand that. Something you loved was destroyed before your eyes. But Norm, I think Ira and Aari have helped you rediscover your ability to love and let someone in. Love is a risk. And from here it looks like it's well worth it. Ira's love and support gave you the strength to make the choice to do something to heal your heart with the solar panels. I wish you luck with it, but at least you have a backup plan and each other to turn to. Damn, listen to me getting all mushy. I guess I am changing.

Oh, and that heart breathing shit sounds like something I might try when I start 'feeling' overwhelmed by this. I usually workout, but that could help in the moment when I can't run or workout. Thanks for the tip.

So, in other better news, my Aunt Miranda called out of the blue and asked my mother to come to Twinbrook over Thanksgiving to see her and my cousin. She told Mom she thought she might have a lead on Kaitlin. God, I wanted to go so bad, but Mom said her sister only wanted her to come alone for now. I guess since my cousin Reid almost died she has softened up and is maybe considering renewing their relationship. At this point in my therapy, it probably wouldn't have been good anyway.

Looks like it will be Dad and I eating TV dinners on Thanksgiving in front of the TV. But that's okay, the games are on and we could use a little male bonding time. I just hope I can focus knowing that she may come back with news of Kaitlin and the kids. Cross your fingers.

Your stuck friend,

Newt

Norm's reply to Newt

Leroy to Terrill - 1

Terrill's first letter to Leroy

Hi Terrill!

Man, was I surprised to get your letter but after reading it your timing is perfect! I apologize for taking so long to respond - my life has been a whirlwind of activity since I signed up for pen pals. I signed up right after my daughter was born hoping for someone to talk to about things and never thought about it again.

I am so sorry to hear about your wife. Now that I have someone in my life, I can't imagine how you survive that kind of loss. Gutted sounds about right. I am glad you have found someone new though. You're right, Betsy would kick your ass for moping around - still - I know it hurts but you don't do anyone any favors by checking out.

I think we have something in common. The women in our lives have “baggage” and as such trust issues. Kate, the mother of my daughter and the woman I love more than anything in this world has blackouts or flashbacks where she thinks I am her husband. Yes, she is still married, part of the baggage for sure and one of many secrets she kept from me for a long time. Like Debbie, she has been to hell and back.

You see Kate ran from her abusive husband and took their three children with her. Yes, more baggage. But I am using that term to mean her history. I love her kids. They didn't take to me as quickly as Nathaniel took to you. But I think we are there now.

I met Kate 18 months ago when she moved into one of my rentals then took a job working for me. From the first day I saw her I was attracted to her and when she began to work for me at my bar, we developed a great friendship with a lot of underlying sexual tension.

She was dating an ex-friend of mine so I didn't push her for more. But one night, after closing, we were testing a new drink and the sexual tension was overwhelming. I couldn't help but kiss her and things quickly progressed from there.

Afterwards she was really upset with herself. That was the only time we were together for a very long time. When she told me she was pregnant she lied about how far along she was so I thought the baby was her boyfriend's kid. There were lots of lies and secrets in the beginning.

But, now we are trying to make a life together. I just happened to be with her when she went into labor. I think Kate was as surprised as me that the baby was mine. You see, I am black and her boyfriend is white. There was no question that I was Hailey's father with her light caramel skin and my green eyes. She did get Kate's strawberry blonde hair.

I was overcome with emotion. To go from being a confirmed bachelor to a father in one day. It was more than I could take in. So now this beautiful kindhearted woman had 4 children, one of them mine. I knew I loved her that day and wanted to take care of her and her children. But I was worried how I could do this or if she would let me.

A lot has happened since Hailey was born. She's now 10 months old and has an adopted sister who just turned 5. I guess I'm a sucker for kids. But that's a long story.

Kate refuses to file for divorce until she can prove she can take care of her kids without any support. What that means to her is she has to own her own home instead of living in an apartment. And she refuses to let me help her financially.

In the meantime, Kate's past is catching up with her. I proposed to her a few months ago so she would know I am in this with her forever. She didn't say no exactly but she didn't say yes either. She was - is still - married for the last 18 years.

I think she associates being married with how it was before she ran and is transferring that to me. She has panic attacks a lot, acting like she's afraid of me. She even called me by her husband's name the other night during one of these episodes. I feel helpless and get frustrated that she doesn't trust me, you know.

I'm going to ask her to see a therapist. How do you think she'll react?  How do you convince Debbie you won't hurt her? I mean sometimes Kate seems fine. But little things just set her off and she seems to have no control over it. How do you deal with that? Seems like you have a couple of things to help you through the rough times, your music and your bench press! I don't have time for a hobby although working out might be good stress relief. My hobby is my new makeshift family and trying to make time for them between my Architect apprenticeship, my bar and rental property. I look forward to the day when I can say they are my family and live with them in a nice big house that I built for us all.

Thanks for listening. Hopefully we can share “baggage” stories and learn from each other how to effectively help the women we love learn to trust again. Sadly, its not the small stuff I'm sweating. Kate is big. And I want her in my life forever.

Your newest baggage buddy

Leroy