Kaitlin's Reply to Meadow - 5

Meadows reply to Kaitlin

Hi Meadow,

I have a confession. I have been checking my email regularly anxiously awaiting your letter. I wanted to see if you had any additional tidbits that would confirm that Norman's Newt wasn't my Newt. I hope you don't think I am terrible!

Norman said he was nice. Meadow, everyone thinks he is nice. He is very charismatic. So you see, I just wanted that last shred of evidence to completely put my mind at ease. I guess I worry too much.

I really had to laugh that Norman had made "Windenburg's Most Eligible Bachelors" list and for the last five years! That's too funny especially if he's getting relationship advice. If Norman lived in Starlight Shores, he would likely have competition for that title once I am able to file for divorce and set Newt free.  

When I read about Jena's conception and birth, I was shocked. Thank goodness she was nurtured in the system. But don't sell yourself short, you have been the constant in her life the past few months, providing the unfailing love that she needed to thrive. You have only yourself to thank for that.  You are by far the sweetest and most giving person I have ever encountered. I am so happy to hear she has no lasting effects. Subways are awful for normal adults - I can only imagine a two-year-old getting totally overwhelmed by it!

It's sad you don't have your parents, but you are lucky to have your Uncle and your brother there to help you. You must look at your Uncle as a father. He seems so supportive and giving. And your brother, Norman. You speak so highly of him. He sounds amazing - nerd or not!

I hope he and Ira find their way to each other if that's what he wants, and it sounds like he does. He would be so very good for her - very much like Leroy is for me.

The parallels between me and Leroy and Ira and Norman are spooky. Well except Norm and Ira are going about their relationship in the right order. Friendship first and then love. Although, I adored Leroy before we, well, before Hailey was conceived. It was irresponsible, but I am glad we have her. Seeing him with her always makes me happy. Now I am smiling!

I hate to be a downer, but your last letter hit too close to home. I think, in light of what you told me about Ira's situation and your new volunteer work, I need to be completely honest with you about why I am in Twinbrook and hiding from my husband. You see, I can totally relate to Ira not telling you she was in a shelter. She was probably ashamed. It's likely a part of her life she would rather forget.

I eluded to the reason in my last letter. Because you are wise, you probably put two and two together and actually got four. But I feel I need to say it - or I guess write it. Meadow, my husband, Newt, he physically abused me and Reese too. But it was my fault - not like Ira or poor Jena's mom.

I read that poem that you referenced and cried, but I don't think I am at all like them. I don't see myself as a victim like that or even like Ira or many, many others. Our marriage wasn't bad for the entire time. The first few years together we were okay.

I was (am) married to an very handsome, charismatic and now wealthy man. He chose me, well because I was pregnant, but he made me that way. Newt really isn't mean or evil. He's just - I don't know - angry maybe. The kids and I were well taken care of. It was only in the last two years before I left that he began to get physical with me. He apologized profusely and we had make up sex. The sex made me feel wanted and loved. 

Reese walked in on an argument and tried to get between Newt and me so Newt punched Reese. It was a wake up call. I was done. I know Newt felt bad about it. But if I brought it up he got more upset. I should have left long before I did. If I had, he would never have attacked Reese. So that is all on me. Reese was the victim - of my selfishness. 

So Meadow, don't feel sorry for me. I caused all of this. Newt didn't want to be married to me. Every time he looked at me and our children, it reminded him of what he lost. He finally couldn't stand it anymore and snapped.

We just weren't enough for him. we couldn't fill the void left when he gave up his dream and married me. I tried Meadow. Honestly I did. When it was clear he didn't want me, I should have left. I can only hope he does love his children because they are innocents. 

You must think I am a horrible to have put my children through that. I have to say, I agree with you. I waited too long and they suffered.

Okay. Now I am totally depressed, but I had to say it (write it). Now you are one of only three people that know. You, the social worker at the shelter and Leroy.

Meadow, this letter was much harder to write than I ever imagined. Now that I said it, I can't take it back and that makes me sadder than you know. I don't want this thing to be a part of me anymore. It makes me feel damaged, and now I feel like I messed up our relationship somehow by telling you.

And worst of all, I want Newt to not be angry with me anymore. That seems so wrong, but it's how I feel. I don't want him to be unhappy. He suffered enough because of me. Sometimes I think if I just go back to Starlight Shores and beg his forgiveness, we can be friends and it will all be over. But I can't risk it.

It's a good thing I am not using a pen and paper. It would be all wet and smeared and you wouldn't be able to read it. So, I need to stop now. My kids don't need to see me crying.

Thanks for being my pen pal and thanks for listening (reading?)

Kaitlin

P.S. I promise if you continue to write, I will never bring up this awful subject again. We will talk about happier things.

Meadow's reply to Kaitlin