Newt to Norman - 9

Norman's letter to Newt - 9

Hi Norm!  

You are going to laugh at me or more likely roll your eyes - but when I got your message and there was nothing but an attachment I thought to myself, well this is it - Norm finally had enough of my shit. I honestly thought it was a letter from your attorney telling me to break off all contact!

When I saw you had scanned several hand written pages, I was very much relieved indeed!  Then I had a really good laugh at why they were handwritten. Damn, it felt good to laugh! Thanks. Then I sat back and read it.

I am so sorry to learn that you got screwed over by the contractor. That really sucks. But you went above and beyond to help out the people that work for you. That takes guts. But I suppose if it’s something you are passionate about that choice was a lot easier. For you it’s about making a difference not making money. An admirable quality for sure. And if you can make it work then everyone wins. I know you can do it.

When you talked about Aari and the relationship you are developing with her, it makes me long for my kids and to have a relationship with them. Then to have Ira there to support you while you struggle through the hard decisions at work makes me realize how bad I messed up. I had a wife that actually wanted to make me happy and three beautiful children and threw it away because of - I don’t know even - I guess because it wasn’t the life I thought I was supposed to have. But I am trying to move on and stop living in the past.

Thanks to you - yes you - and my therapist, I am making really good changes. Since I started taking care of myself again, I feel better. I think last time I wrote my therapist suggested that I try to begin to socialize again and start to rebuild a life for myself. I finally got the guts to take her advice and went out a few times.

My buddy and I headed to a bar I used to go to all the time. I had a good enough time.

Played a few tunes and had a few drinks. They said I had changed when I didn’t hit on any of the women even though I could tell they were interested.

That's when they started trying to hook me up. You will be proud. I resisted all of their attempts. Then it became a game with my buddies, who could find a girl for Newt to take home. Score 1 for Newt and 0 for my buddies.


I didn't take anyone home. That is a win. In the past I would have gone to their place for a quick hook up and leave not even knowing their name. No more. They just laughed and said I lost my touch.

Funny enough, I did meet someone that I have been hanging out with. I didn’t meet her in the bar though, I met her in the library!  So, now I am sure you are asking yourself, what the hell is Newt doing in a library?  It is part of my therapy. Volunteer work! Mostly to get me out of my comfort zone. I have to change the way I live my life if I am going to make this new me work and apparently hanging out at a bar isn't enough of a change even if I didn't pick anyone up.

I never had any idea how many people still check out books. I was shocked. Of course a lot of them sit at the computers too. I had to watch my mouth big time. I never realized how much I use foul language I use. Stop laughing - I know you are! Turn about is fair play I guess. I laughed at you too. Remember when you were trying to get with Ira...that still makes me laugh.

Anyway, her name is Janet Anders and she works full time at the library. She is actually the one that called me on my language. She got assigned to train me. Every time a ‘fuck’ or ‘damn’ would slip out, she would give me the evil eye and frown. I don't like it when I make her frown. Cheesy huh?

The other day, we were putting books back on the shelves and she was standing next to me.

I don’t remember what I said, but she put her hand over my mouth. Then she jerked it back like she was embarrassed, and we both burst out laughing. I apologized and asked to buy her a coffee to make up for it.  See --- coffee is good!

Janet has beautiful red hair, big green eyes and so many freckles. It's just so damn cute. I think she is Irish or something because she has a bit of a lilt to her speech. It’s sexy. I could listen to her talk for hours - and have.

We had a few more coffee and lunch dates before I finally got up the nerve to ask her out on a real date. It was on one of these 'real' dates that I kissed her. I couldn't help it.

We were at a Karaoke bar and she convinced me to sing with her. It was some silly love song duet, Endless Love I think. One of those songs you've heard but don't really pay attention to.

The kiss was right after we sang some really awful Karaoke together. It was spur of the moment. But we were having so much fun being silly and singing badly to each other.

The song was over and I twirled her around and leaned her back dramatically.

Then, it just happened. I kissed her. And she kissed me back. It was nice. But Norm, I haven't taken it any further for obvious reasons.

So, I hope you are happy for me and not horrified that I am seeing someone and still married, but it’s been almost two years since I lost my family and I have finally accepted that I will never have them back. Mom came home from Thanksgiving with no new news of Kaitlin and the kids. Seems like it was a false lead.

I know it sounds like I just gave up. But constantly wishing they were here so I could make everything up to them is too painful. I won't heal if I don't let them go. And Janet is helping me do that. I know Kaitlin and I would never be able to be together again anyway, and that is not because of Janet.

Kaitlin has moved on. She is the one holding all of the cards. If she wanted to try to reconcile, she could have. We have searched for two years and I can't do it anymore. What little I hold on to is that if she surfaces, that I will have a chance to have a relationship with my children. That is all I hope I can salvage from the last 19 years of my life. So, I am trying to move on.

After I told my therapist about the false lead and about my feelings for Janet, she smiled at me. She actually smiled at me. She rarely shows any emotion - the old bag. But she smiled. I felt like a little kid that pleased his parents. You have no idea how good that felt.

Anyway, she told me I can file for divorce for spousal abandonment. It feels wrong to do that. But maybe it is the right thing to do for both Kaitlin and myself. It will release us both to move forward with our lives. Kaitlin wouldn't know it unless she turned back up, but it would allow me to move on. I hope you don't think that is selfish.

Sadly, Janet knows something is wrong and thinks it's her. She doesn't understand why I am holding our relationship back. Norm, I am going to have to do what I have been dreading. I have to tell her my story - all of it - and if she walks away, it will hurt. A lot. You see, I think I am in love with her. Yep - the 'L' word. I said it. I never thought I would.

It's like you and Ira, if Ira is happy you are happy. That's how it is with Janet. I would do anything to see her smile. She makes me feel whole in a way I don't think I ever have before. Maybe I have changed, I don't know. I just hope she feels the same way and will give us a chance. If she does I am filing for divorce. I won't wait any longer.

The other good news is that my cousin Reid is going to be okay. He was in bad shape but is strong and doing better now. He had to go through a lot of physical therapy. Seems they are investigating one of Reid’s high school enemies that spent time in Juvie for setting the fire that nearly killed him. They think it was arson targeted at him somehow.

Also, my mom and her sister seem to have reconciled. She said we were invited up for Christmas. I can’t wait to reconnect with my cousin. If Janet accepts my baggage (ugh, sounds like a bad game show) then I will ask her to come with us.

So much for the misadventures of Newt. And sorry for the long letter, but I needed to get all of this off my chest.

Thanks for being my sticky friend! Let me know how the new contractor does! Best of luck to Aari's 'Primary Care-Giver'!

Newt